Dr. Noel Swanson
We all are familiar with bad parents, those that are
critical of their children, intolerant, and self-absorbed.
But how can you be a good parent? What do you need to do to
give your children the very best start to life that you
possibly can?
John Bowlby intensely studied the effects parents had on
their children. This was in the 1960's, and at that time he
come up with the term "good- enough parenting". He believed
that if you did the best you could and stayed away from
"bad" parenting habits your kids would turn out fine. After
all they are pretty resilient. So is that it? Or do you want
to try for more and become a "super parent", or how about
being the "ultimate" parent? Do you believe this is possible
or is it just something left over from the feminist
movement?
First, let's clear this up: no one is the perfect parent.
It's not possible for you to do everything right, every
moment, every year of your child's life. Nor should you make
that your goal. There's some truth Bowlby's concept of "good
enough" - you don't need to be concerned with being perfect.
Your kids WILL survive childhood and sometimes being "Good
enough" is good enough.
Most of you probably want more than just average for you
kids. I feel certain that there are attitudes you can change
that will allow you to give your children the very best of
lives. You will benefit as well, since your life will be
simpler, yet more fulfilling. Following is a list of things
that will help you become the "ultimate" parent:
1) Allow yourself to be human. You are not capable of doing
everything or being everywhere. Everyone makes mistakes -
you too have concerns, problems, and issues. and hang-ups
from your own past. That's okay - it's more important to
have the right attitude than to be perfect.
What is the right attitude? Being humble. Recognising that
you have much to learn (we all do) and being willing to be
teachable and to learn from your mistakes. A sign of
genuine maturity is being able to look back at your past,
recognise the mistakes you made, and say "this is what I
have learnt about myself, and what I need to work on
changing in myself".
Going overboard the other way and continually berating
yourself is as bad as thinking you already know it all.
Forgive your mistakes and celebrate your triumphs. Learn
lessons from your past but don't dwell on it. Go forward
with your life in the way that you want. If you need help
ask for it or if you feel able, just "get over it".
2) Be aware that you are playing a game with probabilities:
Occasionally we hear stories about kids from abusive or
deprived family situations who manage to become hugely
successful. And on the flip side, we've heard of kids from
great families with all the advantages that still have
problems with drugs and crime.
The reality is that you, the parent, are only one factor in
your children's upbringing. They are also subject to
influence from the friends, other relatives, teachers, shop
keepers, TV, magazines and, of course, their own genetic
makeup. You cannot control all the variables. You might be
the very best, the ultimate parent, and yet your kids turn
out as failures. You might be the very worst, alcoholic and
abusive parent, and yet your kids do fine. Nothing in life
is guaranteed.
So you play the percentages. You know that if you beat your
kids, they are more likely to turn out bad than good. So,
on average, beating your kids is probably not a good idea.
Using fair and consistent discipline probably produces
better odds for a successful outcome - so do that instead.
By the way, successful parenting isn't determined by how
excellent your children end up being. Success for you and
them means that you did the very best that you could with
what you knew at the time. Some of those decisions were
probably wrong when you look back, but that happens. If you
didn't try, and took the easy way every time without trying
to determine how your decision would affect the children,
then I do believe that you failed. That holds true even if
your lazy decision ended up being right.
3) Remain aware that you have other people and things in
your own life. Too many of us these days start thinking that
children come before anything or anyone else. I agree that
we must think of what's best for them, but we have to keep
other things in mind as well.
It may be, for instance, that taking a new job in a
different city might be the best thing for your family -
even if it means taking your child away from his school and
friends.
Continually putting the children first leads to the creation
of self-centered and selfish beings who always believe that
the world owes them a living. Taking second place sometimes
is actually good for them, as it teaches them an important
life lesson. Do continue considering the impact on the child
with every decision, but follow your instincts as to what
would be best for the whole family.
4) Look to the long term. Raising children is a long drawn-
out process. Have your long-term goals in mind. How do you
want them to turn out as adults? What qualities and skills
do they need to learn? What experiences do they need, along
the way, to learn those skills and character traits?
Many times as parents we are faced with the choice of taking
an easy, short-term quick fix, or a harder approach that
will bear much more fruit in the long term. The TV is such
a classic example of this. How easy is it, when the kids
are playing up, to just switch on the TV as the electronic
babysitter? A quick fix for the immediate hassle or rowdy
kids. But how much better, in the long run, to spend a bit
of time teaching them how to build a model, or sew a soft
toy, or put together a jigsaw?
5) Focus on the positives. Of course your children will make
mistakes - just like you do. The most important thing to do
(and to teach them) is to learn to forgive and move on.
Correct your children gently and then encourage them to go
on. Children desperately need there parent's attention. If
you focus your attention on what's wrong, that's where
they'll focus as well. Spend your time on the positive
things and your children will do it just to get your
positive attention.
6) Be strong and stay focused. If you believe what you are
doing is the right thing, you know that you are moving in
the right direction. Some times you may make decisions that
your children don't respect or try to challenge. Unless
there is some new information, stay with your decision.
Don't let anyone dissuade you from what you think is the
right thing to do. Sometimes that means saying no, which can
be a difficult thing for children (or sometimes other
relatives) to swallow.
Your decisions won't always be perfect. Sometimes you'll
make mistakes and wish you could change the results, but
it's far better to stick with your decisions than constantly
be wishy-washy. Your children watch you and learn from your
decision making and how you handle pressure. If you are
consistent, your children will learn by your example.
critical of their children, intolerant, and self-absorbed.
But how can you be a good parent? What do you need to do to
give your children the very best start to life that you
possibly can?
John Bowlby intensely studied the effects parents had on
their children. This was in the 1960's, and at that time he
come up with the term "good- enough parenting". He believed
that if you did the best you could and stayed away from
"bad" parenting habits your kids would turn out fine. After
all they are pretty resilient. So is that it? Or do you want
to try for more and become a "super parent", or how about
being the "ultimate" parent? Do you believe this is possible
or is it just something left over from the feminist
movement?
First, let's clear this up: no one is the perfect parent.
It's not possible for you to do everything right, every
moment, every year of your child's life. Nor should you make
that your goal. There's some truth Bowlby's concept of "good
enough" - you don't need to be concerned with being perfect.
Your kids WILL survive childhood and sometimes being "Good
enough" is good enough.
Most of you probably want more than just average for you
kids. I feel certain that there are attitudes you can change
that will allow you to give your children the very best of
lives. You will benefit as well, since your life will be
simpler, yet more fulfilling. Following is a list of things
that will help you become the "ultimate" parent:
1) Allow yourself to be human. You are not capable of doing
everything or being everywhere. Everyone makes mistakes -
you too have concerns, problems, and issues. and hang-ups
from your own past. That's okay - it's more important to
have the right attitude than to be perfect.
What is the right attitude? Being humble. Recognising that
you have much to learn (we all do) and being willing to be
teachable and to learn from your mistakes. A sign of
genuine maturity is being able to look back at your past,
recognise the mistakes you made, and say "this is what I
have learnt about myself, and what I need to work on
changing in myself".
Going overboard the other way and continually berating
yourself is as bad as thinking you already know it all.
Forgive your mistakes and celebrate your triumphs. Learn
lessons from your past but don't dwell on it. Go forward
with your life in the way that you want. If you need help
ask for it or if you feel able, just "get over it".
2) Be aware that you are playing a game with probabilities:
Occasionally we hear stories about kids from abusive or
deprived family situations who manage to become hugely
successful. And on the flip side, we've heard of kids from
great families with all the advantages that still have
problems with drugs and crime.
The reality is that you, the parent, are only one factor in
your children's upbringing. They are also subject to
influence from the friends, other relatives, teachers, shop
keepers, TV, magazines and, of course, their own genetic
makeup. You cannot control all the variables. You might be
the very best, the ultimate parent, and yet your kids turn
out as failures. You might be the very worst, alcoholic and
abusive parent, and yet your kids do fine. Nothing in life
is guaranteed.
So you play the percentages. You know that if you beat your
kids, they are more likely to turn out bad than good. So,
on average, beating your kids is probably not a good idea.
Using fair and consistent discipline probably produces
better odds for a successful outcome - so do that instead.
By the way, successful parenting isn't determined by how
excellent your children end up being. Success for you and
them means that you did the very best that you could with
what you knew at the time. Some of those decisions were
probably wrong when you look back, but that happens. If you
didn't try, and took the easy way every time without trying
to determine how your decision would affect the children,
then I do believe that you failed. That holds true even if
your lazy decision ended up being right.
3) Remain aware that you have other people and things in
your own life. Too many of us these days start thinking that
children come before anything or anyone else. I agree that
we must think of what's best for them, but we have to keep
other things in mind as well.
It may be, for instance, that taking a new job in a
different city might be the best thing for your family -
even if it means taking your child away from his school and
friends.
Continually putting the children first leads to the creation
of self-centered and selfish beings who always believe that
the world owes them a living. Taking second place sometimes
is actually good for them, as it teaches them an important
life lesson. Do continue considering the impact on the child
with every decision, but follow your instincts as to what
would be best for the whole family.
4) Look to the long term. Raising children is a long drawn-
out process. Have your long-term goals in mind. How do you
want them to turn out as adults? What qualities and skills
do they need to learn? What experiences do they need, along
the way, to learn those skills and character traits?
Many times as parents we are faced with the choice of taking
an easy, short-term quick fix, or a harder approach that
will bear much more fruit in the long term. The TV is such
a classic example of this. How easy is it, when the kids
are playing up, to just switch on the TV as the electronic
babysitter? A quick fix for the immediate hassle or rowdy
kids. But how much better, in the long run, to spend a bit
of time teaching them how to build a model, or sew a soft
toy, or put together a jigsaw?
5) Focus on the positives. Of course your children will make
mistakes - just like you do. The most important thing to do
(and to teach them) is to learn to forgive and move on.
Correct your children gently and then encourage them to go
on. Children desperately need there parent's attention. If
you focus your attention on what's wrong, that's where
they'll focus as well. Spend your time on the positive
things and your children will do it just to get your
positive attention.
6) Be strong and stay focused. If you believe what you are
doing is the right thing, you know that you are moving in
the right direction. Some times you may make decisions that
your children don't respect or try to challenge. Unless
there is some new information, stay with your decision.
Don't let anyone dissuade you from what you think is the
right thing to do. Sometimes that means saying no, which can
be a difficult thing for children (or sometimes other
relatives) to swallow.
Your decisions won't always be perfect. Sometimes you'll
make mistakes and wish you could change the results, but
it's far better to stick with your decisions than constantly
be wishy-washy. Your children watch you and learn from your
decision making and how you handle pressure. If you are
consistent, your children will learn by your example.
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